So uh… How’s it going?

Wow am I hearing that question a lot!  It’s going well.  We’re spending a bit more time in the “storming” phase of group formation than I would like but honestly I believe that is just because they are boys.  They bicker, they fight and they can be loud!  There are days when my patience is tested and, unfortunately, because of the no job and impending PCS things, my patience is already quite thin.  I’ll survive.

Our adoption finalization is scheduled for July 3 at 3:30.  Pray it’s on-time and quick!  We’re going to the fireworks after!  More tomorrow.  The social worker is finishing up her home visits today.

Today’s thought

I want to talk about this.

Major changes urged in transracial adoption

By DAVID CRARY, AP National WriterTue May 27, 5:17 AM ET

Several leading child welfare groups Tuesday urged an overhaul of federal laws dealing with transracial adoption, arguing that black children in foster care are ill-served by a “colorblind” approach meant to encourage their adoption by white families.

Recommendations for major changes in the much-debated policy were outlined in a report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.

“Color consciousness — not ‘color blindness’ — should help to shape policy development,” the report said.

Groups endorsing its proposals included the North American Council on Adoptable Children, the Child Welfare League of America, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption and the National Association of Black Social Workers.

At issue is the 1994 Multi-Ethnic Placement Act — and revisions made to it in 1996 — governing the adoption of children from foster care.

One part of the law directs state agencies to recruit more adoptive parents of the same race as the children. The new report says this provision hasn’t been adequately enforced and calls for better funded efforts to recruit minority parents.

The more contentious part of the legislation prohibits race from being taken into consideration in most decisions about adoption from foster care. For example, white parents seeking to adopt a black child cannot be required to undergo race-oriented training that differs in any way from training that all prospective adoptive parents receive.

A key recommendation in the new report calls for amending the law so race could be considered as a factor in selecting parents for children from foster care. The change also would allow race-oriented pre-adoption training,

“We tried to assess what was working and what wasn’t, and came to the conclusion that preparing parents who adopt transracially benefits everyone, especially the children,” said Adam Pertman, the Donaldson Institute’s executive director.

“The view that we can be colorblind is a wonderful, idealistic perspective, but we don’t live there,” Pertman said. “If we want to do the best for the kids, we have to look at their realities.”

At the heart of the debate is the fact that the foster care system has a disproportionately high number of black children, and on average they languish there nine months longer than white children before moving to permanent homes. The latest federal figures showed 32 percent of the 510,000 children in foster care were black in 2006, compared to 15 percent of all U.S. children.

Of the black children adopted out of foster care, about 20 percent are adopted by white families. The Donaldson report said current federal law, by stressing color blindness, deters child welfare agencies from assessing families’ readiness to adopt transracially or preparing them for the distinctive challenges they might face.

“There is a higher rate of problems in minority foster children adopted transracially than in-race,” said the report. “All children deserve to be raised in families that respect their cultural heritage.”

Pertman stressed that his institute and its allies were not opposed to transracial adoption.

“We want to see more kids in foster care get permanent homes, and we want to see the parents who raise those children be prepared to do so,” he said.

Professor Elizabeth Bartholet, who directs the Child Advocacy Program at Harvard Law School, believes the concept of striving for color blindness is sound. She foresees problems if race once again becomes a key determinant.

“Giving social workers the chance to do that produced very rigid race matching,” she said, referring to pre-1994 policies. “That’s one of the reasons to say race can’t be used at all — there’s no other way to be sure it doesn’t become the overwhelming factor.”

Current policy allows standardized pre-adoption training, but wisely prohibits specific screening for parents seeking to adopt transracially, Bartholet said.

“What cannot be done is have a pass/fail test that turns on whether you give the politically correct answers,” she said. “If social workers are allowed to use training to determine who can adopt, there’s lots of experience showing they abuse that power.”

She also questioned whether attempts to boost minority recruitment would succeed.

“Black people are significantly poorer than white people and less likely to be in a position to come forward,” Bartholet said. “Recruitment efforts bump up against that fact.”

The Donaldson recommendations were embraced as “long overdue” by Michelle Johnson, a black woman raised by white adoptive parents near Minneapolis. Johnson now works on child-welfare matters for the court system there.

Her parents “were not the norm,” she said. “They were exceptional in what they did for me… They were very humble in what they didn’t know. There was lots of communication.”

Too many white adoptive parents, she said, underestimate the enduring presence of racism in America and don’t get training that would help them raise a black child.

“As a social worker who used to place children, I know very few families are ready to do this,” Johnson said. “When families fail to realize they need assistance, it’s dangerous.”

Regarding recruitment, Johnson said child welfare agencies should strive to find permanent homes for black children among their extended families before placing them in foster care.

John Mould and Margaret Geiger, an Ambler, Pa., couple, have two white biological children and five black adopted children, now aged 15 to 23. Mould said transracial adoption is unquestionably challenging, but he worries about any changes that might make training and screening requirements too rigid.

“There are so many kids who need homes,” Mould said. “The idea of trying to find the perfect matches — you’re not going to find them.”

His adopted children have encountered some difficulties over the years, Mould said, but he believes they’ve developed resiliency and maturity as a result.

His youngest son, Eric Jones, 15, said the family’s makeup sometimes complicates his life, but he’s convinced that transracial adoption can succeed.

“White or black doesn’t matter,” he said. “What counts is whether the parents are ready to take responsibility.”

___

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/

Now, as someone about to complete her third transracial adoption (our boys are Asian) or, if you prefer, cross-cultural adoption, I think that some of the points made have merit. Too many parents expect their adopted kids to willingly give up the past in favor of a bright new future. But would you? What would it take for you to agree to erase your culture, your history, your self at the request of someone you barely know? It’s just not reasonable. I commend most, if not all, adoptive parents for their willingness to take a child into their homes. But if you have this conceived notion of a child who will just be thankful to have a forever family, then you’d better think again. You need to reassess your motivation and if you can’t work through to a place where you can accept a child, flaws and all, then you are not an appropriate adoptive resource. I’m not even sorry to say that. I question whether unrealistic expectations exacerbate, maybe even cause, attachment disorders. Never forget that a child who has never had a functional family needs to learn what having one means. That teaching requires patience, effort and time. Without any of these things, you are going to struggle mightily and most likely fail.  I think there are a lot more bad parents than there are bad kids but the kids take the blame.

I cringe sometimes at pre-adoptive parents raising funds to “bring our princess home”. I can tell you that she will not (always) be a princess and that statements of that nature cause me to question the level of expectations those parents have.  High expectations lead to huge disappointment on both sides.  I am seeing this first hand and working hard to help our child heal from them.  It will be done, but it is taking time - a most worthy investment.

Now, that being said, I do not think that race is necessarily the most appropriate defining factor for adoptive placement. I side with those who think that pre-adoptive parents need to further study the race, culture and region their children come from before their child is placed with them and, frankly, agree to help them stay in touch with their roots. They’ve already lost a family. They do not need to lose their culture and history as well. We aren’t perfect, but we do help our horde take pride in their Russian nationality as well as their American one. We make pelmeny, posies and borscht, we try to speak a little Russian at home.  We have pictures and stories that we share when the boys are open to that.  They deserve it.  We hope that one day we can help them learn their own personal history up to the time they were placed in our home. It’s the least we can do to show our thanks for the family that gave them life and gave them to us.

Caving…

Damn I hate peer pressure!

I would update but there’s not a ton to note right now.  It is interesting how agencies and professionals can change their tune when it suits them.  The Kid moved in last Friday which is good.  Now we’re working on getting him really settled in.  That might take awhile but every day seems better.  Yesterday, however, I had to go pick him up at school because he couldn’t stay awake.  He said he didn’t sleep well the night before and I will take him at his word for that because last night he went to bed at 8:30 of his own volition.  Getting up at six to leave for school by 6:20 has got to take a toll, you know?  I know it is taking a toll on me!

The fundraiser went quite well also.   I will withhold further details until the matching funds arrive but we did manage over $1,000 on our own.  Awesome, huh?

One thing I don’t like about WordPress vs. Blogger is how hard it is to insert a bit of code like this. I’ll have to figure out how to post an updated ticker without this post being buried… UGH

Fundraising

I have been searching for a free widget to track our fundraising progress with no success. But I do want to reassure my two or three concerned readers that we are making progress.

We’ve paid $420 out of our own funds and received the following donations:

$100 from Dr. and Mrs. B (my boss and his wife)

$1,000 from Dragonwarder (I am still both humbled and awed).

This leaves approximately $2,980 left to raise. We have a fundraiser scheduled on Saturday, May 3 from 8 to 4 at our church. Hopefully that will help us raise the rest!

Unfortunately, our agency isn’t issuing our foster care license until they get the full homestudy fee so we’re needing $1680 by Friday.  Theoretically, he can move in on the second if we’ve paid that fee.

A Teeny Tiny Light…

This road we’re on shouldn’t be so long, you know? Our son needs us, we need him. People claiming to have his best interests in mind should demonstrate that. Today we had a much-nerve-wracking meeting with two social workers from our agency, a county social worker and the Guardian ad Litem. Surprisingly the county social worker and GAL are very nice people and do appear to see our side of the story. They agree that The Kid would be better served by being with his family in Texas and are going to work through options to make that happen. The stickler is our agency, of course. First, he can be placed with us as soon as we have a license. We can’t get the license until we pay for the homestudy. This confirms their priority is the cash not The Kid. But we’re cautiously optimistic that, even if The Agency isn’t on our side, the county and the lawyer are. These are two good things.

That Sound You Hear Is Me Banging My Head Against the Wall

I guess the further removed you are from adoption, the easier it is to forget how frustrating it can be and this time is no exception.  Social Workers are horrible communicators and, frankly, can be blatantly deceptive at times.  I spend most of my time these days a bit pissed off.

Why?  Because one minute something is “a great idea” and the next (after I promise The Kid of course) it’s not allowed.  One minute we’re the perfect family and Texas is the best thing for him and the next “we won’t allow you to leave the state for six months”.  Wishy-washy and not at all focused on what is really the best outcome so much as they are focused on the most convenient path for them.  They never did answer the question about why we couldn’t be appointed Vasily’s guardians and, as such, leave the state with him in July.  Hopefully our attorney has an answer but I can’t reach him by phone or e-mail either.

The big puzzling thing the whole time has been the adoption fees.  We could not figure out why we were being charged full-fees for this adoption but today I had an epiphany.  The first thing we were asked when we met with the agency was whether the Army still had an adoption benefit of $5,000.  We clarified that it is $2,000 per child up to a maximum of $5,000 and were immediately informed of the fee schedule involved.  Yesterday at our home visit I was told about Adoption Assistance.  This is a program that The Kid qualifies for because of his age and his needs.  It includes a $2,000 reimbursement for adoption fees.  So our agency has done the math.  They are using the logic that if the Army reimburses us $2000 and the State reimburses us $2000 the fee doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t really come out of our pocket.  Unfortunately, they don’t know what reimbursement means.  That means it DOES come out of our pocket but we get it back later.  In order for it to come out of our pocket it needs to be put in our pocket.  Not much for math that crew.

To make it worse, they use money to stall.  First it was the $420 application fee that they needed before they could start the homestudy because they need to send money with the background checks.  Two of the four background checks WE paid for and it was a total of $14.00.  How much can that state one cost?  I so want to call bullshit.  Then, we get our homestudy documentation done in one week - amazingly fast, right?  We want to get The Kid out of the Foster Care system as soon as possible.  They aren’t feeling the same sense of urgency.  Today they tell me they won’t approve the homestudy without payment for it.  Because, you know, we can shit $2780 dollars like that.

What makes it worse is that the agency is in complete control.  I would love to demand an itemization of the costs incurred by the agency that justify their fees but they’d just dig in and deny our adoption.  Our homestudy approval is in their hands and I am afraid to call them to task.  As dishonest and questionably ethical as they might be, they hold our family’s fate and we can’t do a damn thing about it.

But I’m open to suggestions (as well as infusions of cash).

My First Thought Was Destiny

Please note that the name of this blog is, in fact, “A Sister For Kostya” and laugh. The thing about kids is that you really have no control. Granted, in theory, adoption gives you some control, but God has a much bigger hand in the process. I have no doubt of this.

The first time I saw Kostya’s picture I knew. That is our son. And because I knew that, we went through all the hoops and loops and ups and downs to adopt him and Anatoly. Yes, I had the same reaction the first time Anatoly was placed in my arms as well. I remember it being so strange. The first week I was in Russia. It was so awesome meeting Kostya and playing with him but I also had this “Where is my baby?” focus until the second day in Ulan Ude when I was actually able to meet him. Oh, this is my baby. From then on it was “Can I see him today? Is he okay?” Even on that trip, I wanted to bring the boys together but it was not to be until August.  Today, all is good.  All is, in fact, mostly awesome.

I started this blog to talk about how we wanted to expand our family. We honestly had thought girls were our path. We have four boys, after all, so girls would restore balance, right?

Well, last Saturday, I met Vasily and knew. Again. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers as we move to bring him into our family quickly. He’s in foster care so this is a domestic adoption and should not take nearly as long. We are, however, working with an Agency that can’t make up its mind so it will not be as straightforward and simple as it should be. We need to raise $5,000 and we need to overcome the agency’s new-found objections to the move to Texas so we may have to raise lawyer fees as well.

Keep us in your prayers, please! If you’re interested in donating or have fund-raising ideas, please leave a comment. Thanks!

Why The Senator is amazing…

He is an expert in Pirateology!

The Senator is the kind of kid that really likes to know how things work so he loves puzzles and projects like this. His brain never stops working. He is also expert at collaboration! He’ so very charming that he can easily convince his big brother to help him mount the sails while making sure his little brother doesn’t lose the pieces for his own ship!

Hello world!

I guess I can’t just give up. I’m going to use this blog to highlight interesting adoption stuff as well as to post things I’m trying to sell to raise money for this adoption. I realize that at $5 - 10 a pop, it will probably take forever, but at least I will feel like I am trying.

First up, I want to link you to an article from last week’s People this article about a woman doing what I absolutely would do if I had the opportunity. Remember the resort I’d buy in a second if I had the money? An integral part of my business plan would be opening up the cabins a couple times a year for adoption camps (both international and foster care) and retreats for kids in the foster care system.